im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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