This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
