My friends, they love my intelligence
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
