I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
