omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
