I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
