Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
