glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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