What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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