This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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