I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
