I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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