It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
