i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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