Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
