Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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