I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
