so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
