1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
