Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
