We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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