you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
