I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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