I heard we made out
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize