I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
