you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
