God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
