I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
