I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
