I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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