Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
