I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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