I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
