Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
