Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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