he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
