Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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