Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
