I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
