I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
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