Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
