I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Randomize
