You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
