Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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