He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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