I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize