dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
