he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Randomize
