i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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