all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
