I hope mine doesn't look like that
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I want to be your penis for a week.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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