I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
