Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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