Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
