then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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