you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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