my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize