I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
