Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
