you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
