and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
