I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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