Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
