god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
