Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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