You smell like a Billy Joel song
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
