dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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