drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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