You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
