Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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