whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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