Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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