May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
