my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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