you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
